Brothers and sisters, the testimony and first death of Ade.

When I came here, I had no future, no purpose no plans, nothing. I was a walking husk. That is until i met our Lord. He took this empty worthless life and gave it purpose, I now know that my essence is to service him, to dedicate my very being to his magnificence and grace. In that, I have meaning.In that I am complete.

I am here to make a sacrifice of the old to bring in the new, today the old Ade dies. In the final hours of my former life, I opened my old journal, a record of the nothing I used to be. I want you to see who I was, so you can see what he has done. Read, and witness the first death of Ade.

11th February 2023
I don’t know why i still make these. There’s not a lot in my life to write about. Mostly I just exist. I eat. I sleep. I scroll. I breathe — somehow. I got kicked out of school today. Honestly? I don’t really care. I was never any good at it. The dean asked me today what I was going to do next, like there’s supposed to be some back up plan for getting kicked out of university, There’s not, There’s just… this, Whatever “this” is

20th February 2023
Today’s quote from Mr father of the year was “her dying for you was a waste”. Usually the stupid things he says don’t really get to me, he’s usually drunk out of his mind most of the time, but this one kind of hurt. I don’t blame him much though, he lost the love of his life giving birth to a dumbass who cant seem to do anything right. I’d probably hate me too if i were him. Sometimes I wish i could do more you know, actually make her sacrifice for me worth something, but I’ve tried and I’ve failed and i’m done trying. Some people just aren’t worth it and I think i’m just one of those people

2nd March 2023
This man is intolerable. Every day since I got back he’s managed to invent new ways of reminding me that i’m a failure. As if I could ever forget. I guess dropping out of school just confirmed it for him. He brought up the mom thing again today, said I killed her by being born. I told him that if he didn’t want to lose his wife maybe he shouldn’t have knocked her up in the first place. He lost it and told me to leave the house. He basically says that every week but this time i’m fed up with his shit and i’m actually leaving. Someone from school gave me a flyer for this charity place that takes in “people like me”. He said they don’t ask questions, and there’s always food, always beds. I don’t have a better plan, so I’m going to check it out.

12th March 2023
My first few days here have been interesting. It’s so weird to me how these random people who don’t know me at all can just take me in, No questions. It makes me believe there’s at least a little kindness left in the world. It’s either that or they’re trying to sell me for parts or something. I’m supposed to meet this guy named alpha tomorrow, he’s the guy that runs this place, probably some rich philanthropist or something. That’s the only way they could possibly keep this kind of place running.

13th March 2023
I talked to alpha today, it was … something. We talked about my problems. My life. All the stuff I usually try not to think about. You know when someone just sees you, not the mess you’ve mAde of everything, but the part underneath it all? Maybe that’s what therapy is supposed to feel like. Apparently he had the same problems when he was my age. A shitty dad and no real sense of worth. He says all I need to do to become better is to “shed the false self”. That the part of me that’s broken isn’t me, it’s something that was forced on me. That I can be whole if I’m willing to let the old me die. I don’t really know what that means yet but looking at him, at how sure he is and how people follow him like he’s the sun. I guess if someone like him could come from someone like me, maybe there’s hope for me too.

30th April 2023
My dad called today, Well - he called the house phone. We’re not really supposed to have phones here.They say it helps us stay present. I’m wondering how he even found the number. Apparently he wants me to come back home, says he’s working on himself and he’s going to do better as a father, It was so weird hearing that, didn’t really sound like him, at least the version of him that i’m used to, Maybe my leaving for good was all it took to reset his head. Alpha listened in on the conversation and he’s not happy about it. He says that I’ve been able to do a lot of healing and growing these past weeks and reconnecting with him would undo everything. He thinks i should cut him off entirely because people like my dad never change. I’m not entirely sure how to feel about that, I guess deep down i’m holding out a little hope for him. We agreed I could make one last call, just for closure. When i spoke to him again, he said he knew he wasn’t worth it, begged me it do it for mum, that she’d want us to be together. I’m still thinking about it. But I think I already know what I’m going to do.

1st May 2023
Alpha’s apparently really proud of me. He says I’m ready to go for enlightenment camp. It’s this program that runs for a few weeks, kind of like a retreat. Honestly i haven’t been looking forward to it much. I don’t exactly do well in class environments and that’s what this seems like, but everyone here keeps talking about how important it is and how it changed their lives so i think i’m going to give it a shot. I’m not really allowed to carry any personal stuff there, they say it’s supposed to help me focus. so I wont really be writing here for a while

14th May 2023
I don’t have a lot of time, I just needed to write, to make sense of .. everything. Enlightenment camp is nothing like i expected. There’s No clocks, No mirrors. No sense of where we are, or how long we’ve been there. The windows are too high to see out of. We fast most days, they call it quieting, a way to silence the body so the soul can listen. At first i thought it was insane, people were passing out, crying in sessions, everyone was screaming and chanting, it was just crazy.
Some days, it feels like I’m starting to understand. Like I’ve peeled something off myself, something rotten. Other days, I feel hollow in a way that scares me, I haven’t eaten in so long and the chants echo in my head even when it’s silent. I don’t feel like myself. I don’t know if that’s part of the process or if something’s gone wrong. Alpha says confusion is good. That doubt is proof the old self is dying. That feels right. I think. Still, I had to step out just for a second, to breathe something that’s not recycled air and incense. I probably wasn’t supposed to, but I needed to see myself again, even if just through these pages. I don’t know when I’ll be able to write again.

31st May 2023
I can’t. I can’t do this anymore. If I go back in there, I think I might actually die. I’ll just talk to Alpha. He’ll understand. He usually does. I just need to leave for a while — clear my head, breathe real air again.

I found him outside the hall. told him everything. He said something i don’t think i’m going to forget in a while
“There’s no one out there for you, Ade. No one who can save you. No one who even wants you.”
He said the only way out is through. That if I leave now, everything I’ve fought for dies. That I die. I think he’s right. there’s nothing left for me but this.
I’m going back in.