The spiritual controls the physical. That’s how I, like many others around me, have been brought up to live my life—to see everything through the lens of spirituality. Whether you succeeded or failed, your emotions, whether your life was worth anything, whether you got to live the next second or die right now, all of it was determined by your relationship with God. He was the key, the only thing that mattered. He had all the answers, and all you needed to do was just love and serve Him.

For a while now, I’ve been moving away from all that. In some ways, maybe I was never really fully in it to begin with. It’s left me with a lot on my mind

I guess the first thing is why, and it’s something that becomes more confusing when I think about my background. Why does one person believe and another move away? I think it’s more than just facts and logic or what is absolutely true. The information is usually always right there, and there will always be things that are out of our control, but we just have very different ways of making sense of it.

The other thing is how—how I’m going to keep doing this? How it feels? It feels kind of lonely, at least for me. The thing is, religion and belief aren’t something you just take off and put on Sundays. It’s a way you fundamentally view the world, and when everyone around you is spiritual, you instantly become the odd one out. Through the lens of spirituality, they see you for what you are: a pagan. At best, they’ll tolerate you, maybe try to convert you every once in a while because maybe there’s still hope for you. At worst, they’ll cut you off—can’t be unequally yoked.

It doesn’t always have to be that way, though. It’s only a problem if anyone knows. Just put your head down, don’t say anything weird, and just pretend. That never killed anyone; what’s it going to cost you? Well, I’m not sure. Not sure why I’m even writing this anyway.

Maybe I’m writing to understand, to find some sense of clarity amidst the confusion, maybe I’m wrting because, in this solitude, I hope someone else feels the same way. Perhaps there’s comfort in knowing that we’re not alone in our questions, that our struggles with faith, or the lack thereof, are part of the human experience. And perhaps, just maybe, that’s enough.